I know we talk often and more often than not I do most of the talking. You know, the private, just you and me conversations that no one else on earth is privy to. But, it seemed appropriate at this time to drop you a line instead. It just feels like the right thing to do.
The first thing I need to say is, that I am just plain scared. Yes, that’s what I am. And the hell of it is that I don’t even know exactly why. I guess part of it is due to the fact that a part of me, the biggest part of me, is convinced that the very large investment I’ve made in promoting the core of my life’s expression has been what You want me to do. Then there’s the part of me that fears that I’ve been making a huge investment in vanity. That’s what they call the self-publishing industry … the Vanity Press. Of course You know that already don’t You.
You know all of that, and my saying it isn’t news to You, but I just needed to say it. After all the blessings you showered on me last year I feel rather inappropriate to be expressing anything bordering on complaint, but I suppose that in light of my angst the term complaint seems most fitting. So, that brings me back to fear; fear that I’ve failed to understand exactly what it is You want from me.
There’s a passage in the New Testament which speaks to the shame of hiding a glowing lamp under a basket. And, although I feel at times like that is what I have been doing for the last few months, just as often I feel as if the lamp has gone out so it just as well stay under the basket.
Most of all Abba, I just want some reassurance.But, then I think what’s the point of faith if reassurance is necessary. My friend Brett gave me a copy of Wm. Paul Young’s “Eve” and after reading it five times the request that Adonai made more than once was for Adam to trust Him. Is it a lack of trust in You that propels me toward the sea of doubt, or is it a lack of confidence in my own understanding and/or motives?
The way that Young presented the issue was one that I had never considered because it was presented as an alternative to impatience and self-will and self-doubt. In the course of those five readings I slowly began to get the point that Young was trying to make, I believe on Your behalf. I just have a hard time waiting for You to act on my behalf, which of course is in the end on Your behalf, and what makes it worse is when I think You have begun to do so and then realize it was only wishful thinking. So please Abba, be patient with me while I learn this late in life to be patient and trusting.
Another manner of expressing trust is my favorite term for expressing confidence in; that word, of course, is faith. More than anything I want to trust that what I think You’re telling me is, if nothing else, close to the core of what You want me to understand. After spending so much of my life without a thought of what You intended for me, it has become the basis for every conscious decision and act. I like to think that what You want for me is so ingrained in my psyche that even when I’m not consciously considering my actions that Your preference is the automatic result.
The last thing I want mention is the other point I recognized in Young’s effort is the difference in relationship with You and relationship with a human being. My heart went out to Adam first and then to Eve because I can relate so closely to that absence of physical and emotional human interaction since You took Marilyn to be with You and left me alone here … to learn once again to live alone. Except this time, it’s been a different kind of singularity that I find myself in. When I was alone before I met Marilyn I had never known what love really was.Loving her and living with her love changed my perception of relationship entirely.
So Abba, I guess what I’m trying to say is that while I realize now that the relationship I have with you now would have never been possible in the context of my relationship with Marilyn. I’m content with the singular relationship You and I have at this point, but I would really like to experience a relationship that involved You, me and a woman of Your choosing. I know that sounds a bit kinky on the surface of it, but You know my heart and what I mean; a woman who knows You the way I do. So, how about it Abba? Am I ready for that in Your view? I really hope so.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.