What is so frightening?

Okay … Yes, I’ve been silent for some time now. There are a couple of good reasons and at least one miserable excuse for my silence. Let’s start with the miserable excuse first. It’s an old excuse which attempts to pass itself off as reason. “I was too busy!” While I was certainly busy getting used to being a full-time working girl again, the truth of the matter was that I was just plain lazy. There … the truth is out. Now I can get to the reasons.

The first good reason is that I tend to imagine myself as something of a perfectionist. I don’t want to look back at something I’ve posted and experience a sense of embarrassment for what I’ve considered at the time of the posting “pure genius insight” into the human condition. I want to look back at what I’ve written and posted and be pleased with what I shared. So reason #1 for no new postings is that I didn’t feel I had anything worthwhile to take up your time.

The second good reason for my silence is that although I eventually felt a need to share something, which has been in the thought hopper of my mind, I didn’t know how or where to begin without sounding presumptuous. I’m still not certain of that outcome but I feel it’s time to press on.

There is an old phrase that goes something like this: “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” It’s one of those tidbits that I was slow to catch on to and refers to the anguish of an interloper who’s been in the wrong bed with the wrong woman when they hear the front door open and close. The interloper grabs his stuff and gets safely hidden under the bed where he watches as the husband sits down on the bed and takes off first one shoe and drops in on the floor next to the bed. Then … nothing! Why has he stopped? Did the interloper leave something in plain sight? Get the picture?

I had what I thought was a great idea for this blog a couple of weeks ago but it hadn’t quite jelled when suddenly I was caught with no excuse, no brilliant finish to the thought. I was stuck … “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” Fortunately for me it finally dropped.

For the last year and a half I’ve experienced a number of discouraging events and circumstances. Not totally unlike the guy under the wrong bed I was scared to death. Unlike him however I felt as though there was no reason for me to be under the bed. It was MY bed, but someone else was going to be cuddling my baby. At least that’s the way I felt much of last year.

The dilemma is this: My “baby” is my belief system, my faith, my understanding of and relationship to my Maker and I seem totally inept at sharing that “baby” with anyone else in a way that is real and acceptable to them. It’s like trying to explain color to a blind man. I can see it just as plain as day. Just open your eyes and see what I see. Being blind is no excuse, just use your imagination. Stupid effort isn’t it. Of course it is but that doesn’t keep me from trying or at the least wanting to try.

So I ask myself, what was so frightening to me for so many years about turning the very essence of who and what I was, over to a power that was so much greater than I was, or ever would be, to be shaped and molded into something other than that self created image? It was much more than just fearing that I might be sent to live in a mud hut in Africa. That was just the cover story for the fear of losing control over my life; having the steering wheel just come right off in my hands and the brakes go out at the same time the accelerator sticks to the floor. And then I heard this quiet voice in the back of my mind ask, “could it be any worse than turning your life, your future, your happiness over to a lover thinking they would make you happy, fulfilled?”

The answer to that question, though obvious as the nose on my face, was not what I wanted to hear. Simply loving someone and having them love you in equal measure, is not all there is. You must both have your own reason, purpose if you will, for placing one foot in front of the other. They don’t have to be the same purpose, as long as the two are compatible as the rest of your lives. Therein lies the problem.

The purpose for my own life can only be discovered by honest and fearless examination of my innermost likes, dislikes, abilities and talents. That’s difficult enough for me, but how am I going to know all those details about another person? I can’t. And that is why trusting God, not E-Harmony or Matchmaker.com, to hook me up with someone of like mind and purpose is so critical to my life. In the meantime, I am enjoying life immensely because, so far, the promise of Proverbs 3:5-6 has proven to be correct.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do and He will show you which path to take.”

Works for me Howdy! Who’d have thought that being a full time kitchen designer for Home Depot at the age of 69 would be so enjoyable? Not me, that’s for sure.

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